365 photographs of 2020

I share the same sentiment as most people when it comes to 2020. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out, buddy.

2020 was full of hardness, sadness, anxiety, depression, disgust, anger, death and a lot of maddening times. What is the world coming to? So much of everything to think about and unpack and feel and try to manage. And then we had a baby right in the middle of it.

I went in to the New Year of 2020 full of beans and excitement. I bought the BEST day planner full of goal planning and inspiration. Well that ended up being the biggest waste of money I think I’ve ever spent. (No offence to the planner itself. That was great). I had plans and goals and words and visions and expectations for the year to really be a great one.

But the year had other plans. Maybe it had a better planner?

I didn’t actually start the year intending to work on or complete a 365 photography project. I’d started one before and it fizzled as soon as I missed a day. Not unlike my past dieting regimes. But then I couldn’t be bothered to continue. As the days and weeks ticked on I realised I was actually shooting quite a lot. Most days, in fact, I picked up my camera in order to make a photograph.

I took a course with Illuminate Classes early in the year and that ignited a lot of photographic creativity. It gave me permission to just create photos for me and helped me to see my work as an outlet again. I reconnected with the energy to create photographs and to document my family in the process. I worked to make intentional photographs of moments that I was chasing. Not chasing in the sense that I was following a child around in hopes to take a good photo like I had before. But chasing in the way that I knew there were exact moments that were critical to document for our own family history. Moments that I didn’t want to just slip away. Some moments happened on repeat and were easy to predict. Others were more subtle and fleeting.

Those moments were listed out and thought about before I even touched the camera. It made the images I was making have so much more depth to them. There was no longer just serendipity in the photos with nice light. Nothing wrong with that at all (I still make plenty of them!), but I was craving more. I picked out moments that matter to us and I made an image of it. Then I wrote a narrative to go along with it. Nothing long. No storybook. Just a reason for the photograph. A love note to my family.

During the process of digging in deep to document intended images representing more than just a little snapshot, I did something else. I got uncomfortable. I did what most people hate doing. I got in front of the lens myself. That’s right. I put myself into my family photography. 

I didn’t like it at first. It was hard and awkward. Technically I still find it challenging to nail focus or really get the angles I envision. But you know what. I’m IN THE PHOTOS. My kids will actually see me when they’re older. Since becoming a mama, I rarely wear makeup anymore. I’m always in something stretchy or covered in food. I’m no fashionista. But I’m real and that’s exactly how I want my baby girls to recall me. Real as shit.

I don’t really recall at what point during the year that I consciously decided I would create a collection for a 365. Maybe around the time Scarlett was born in May or June. I had looked back on what I’d documented at that point and was surprised at how full the year was. I hadn’t shot every single day. And there were some real lows with lockdown, the Coronavirus and late pregnancy in general where I didn’t touch my camera for a week. But I always went back to it. We always rekindled our love. 

I decided I would complete the year as I had heaps of photos and I was on a roll. But instead of pressing myself each day I would give myself a bit more grace about it this time. If I missed a day or two or six that was ok. I just had to keep coming back to it. I really was important for me to not only collect all these beautiful little stories along the way, but to also continue to improve my own skills and push myself to keep getting better, more creative and more precise in my skills every day. 

I’ve slowly been working my way through my 365 photo project. I’m honestly completely emotionally traumatised from 2020. It was rough. I know it was hard for everyone. I think that gives me a little bit of ability to breathe through it. We really are all in this together. Sunshine and dark days.

Reflecting back and thinking about the year feels heavy and sad in so many ways. But as I look at my images I can see that we actually did have some joy. They were short stints of joy but it was there in the thick of all the shit. And I'm grateful that it's been documented. I so grateful for all those tiny little stories that would have gone amiss if I’d not bothered and been too tired to pick up my camera. 

I pushed myself with my photography and worked to strengthen my style. I played with light, motion, intention, freelensing, embracing the chaos and freezing the moments that matter. But I’m most proud that I took steps to get myself into the frame with self portraits.

I now feel like I actually exist in my family heritage. And for the first time ever our photo albums won’t look like Nick is a single dad.

Here’s a shorter selection of some of my favourite family photographs from the past year. Certainly the hardest year of my lifetime.